I am here.
I am here. I am here.
As soon as I write these 3 simple words, it feels like reality has been handed to me right in my face. Whether I want it or not, I am here. Whether it was my intentional choice or not, I am here.
I am here in Melbourne, Australia. And my heart & soul is in Mumbai, India. Physically the body is embodying the acclimatization to the early winters seeping in, and yet my larger conscious still holds back in the familiar humid air, brushing through my face while driving my scooter on the roads of Mumbai. soon it would be almost 2 years that I have moved, and yet it feels just like yesterday. This journal entry is my effort to make peace with my mind & accept this notion of being away from home is okay. Being here in Melbourne is just one chapter of my life and yes it has become a part of my identity. That does not disregard any previous life experiences that I have had in Mumbai.
I may sound like a broken record, saying that the feeling of being homesick has now almost become a daily ritual. You know the normal graph of adulthood varies from guilt, regret, pride, sadness, FOMO, anxiety. Mine has a default section of being homesick.
“Stress is caused by being “here” but wanting to be “there,” or being in the present but wanting to be in the future.”
― Eckhart Tolle
When I read the above statement, it felt like I have been stressed all along. This feeling of wanting to be “there” is a blanket I sleep with every single day. No wonder, my dreams largely are focused on travelling through the gullies of Mumbai and having spicy street food with friends.
I am here. This is a gentle reminder to recalibrate my sense of self. And set an intention to enjoy the nature & people around me ( with letting the shadow of guilt quietly hanging around in the corner). The togetherness feeling of being under one roof with friends and family cannot be replaced. Video calls and zoom interactions are the current favourites, as much as we hate them. Lately, the phone calls carry bitter news as well. My mind has been silently grieving all the news that I receive, with the hope of hearing some mixed good news as well.
“Don’t look for peace.
Don’t look for any other state than the one you are in now; otherwise, you will set up inner conflict and unconscious resistance.
Forgive yourself for not being peace.
The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace
Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace.
This is the miracle of surrencer.”
― Eckhart Tolle
I am here. On some days this might be an alarm to address the desperation to find a sense of belonging here. My recent visits to a yoga class have found some belonging in the asanas that I practice with others. The space is warm and sometimes get humid when we try to do hot yoga. Sometimes I silently smile as I hear the accents speaking bhujung-asana or Kapal Bharti.
Embracing this here and now moment requires a mammoth of an effort in one breath. Yet, my roomie here has the strength to take this path of being zen and blooming where one is planted. Living with him has been giving me a lot more courage & patience that we got to enjoy the present moment because that’s all we have.
Together we explore the local cuisine here, our favourite is avocado on toast. We have been to the local art galleries, gardens and rivers. The Yarra river especially reminds me of all the “yaar”, the friends who are a part of our circles. The local train stations with British architecture brings me a step closer to the buildings in Fort. Of course, my path always leads to Mumbai street food place, which brings me home. Witnessing the similarities of what we find back home brings us joy at that moment. The journey of being “here” and wanting to be “there” continues.
I am here. We are here.
My mind seems calmer now. Being in this present moment, on a chilly Friday morning in May 2021. Embracing the peace, I begin my day.